Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-3582436-20140228122623

Hi guys,

I was tasked by my English teacher to write a story in the style of Edgar Allan Poe. Before I pass up my story, I'd like to share it with you. Give as much constructive criticism as you can please. I want to make it as good as I can

P.S. Make sure you know the style of Poe :P

Here goes:

The Spark
The horror! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! For years I have suffered since the death of my only child, the untimely demise of my daughter. My daughter… It was all my fault. I was off guard. It was my carelessness… my foolishness… that caused the grief and pain I experience now. It unfolded like a horror story. My worst nightmares come true. Every night my wretched mind would re-enact the incident mercilessly. Playing again and again and again, not stopping, not yielding.

We were having just a little walk… just one of our weekly strolls. Nothing to worry about. Or so I thought. My little girl, playful as she was, fluttering around as if she had been blessed with the naivety and freedom of a tiny infant bird, was, naturally, not aware of the dangers ahead. Nor was I.

And so we walked on. My eyes kept being drawn to her little precious form. Her blue eyes were like the glowing Earth from orbit; her smile shined bright, as if all the stars in the universe had given up their light to her dancing teeth. Her bubbly gurgles emanated through my eardrums. I felt so very happy in my heart. Then, as classical warships ram their targets, she shot off as a gargantuan vehicle hit her. Her hour had come, her time to say her last words even before she had said her first.

It wasn’t just her death that plagues me to this day. It’s… it’s… That’s it! Her scream! Her shriek! It was like nothing I had ever heard before. As the truck hit her side, she cried out as if she was stabbed in the heart. Multiple times. I screamed with similar intensity. All the cars stopped. It was like time had stopped just for this moment. All the drivers exited their vehicles. I sprinted to my daughter’s side.

Blood… EVERYWHERE. A gash had opened on the side of the poor girl’s head. I could not believe my eyes. There she was, an innocent two-year-old girl, lying on the ground, the life seeping out of her eyes, along with all the apertures on her body. Her sky blue shirt had been stained red. Her blue eyes that glowed like the Earth from orbit stared blindly at the tarmac. Her shining smile had gone, as if the universe’s stars had taken back the light from it. Replacing it was an empty hole of a mouth, ajar, blood spilling out like the girl was a jug. Some of her teeth were broken. I cried and howled at the sight. I screamed her name. I mourned the loss of my last living relative.

There was a crowd gathering around my daughter. All looked in horror and shock. Some made signs of the cross on their torso. Others burst into tears. A few made calls to the ambulance, which I knew would be hopeless.

Her eyes flickered towards me. She breathed once. It sounded extremely laboured. Tears filled my eyes with significantly higher frequency.

“D--…D--…D--…Da…Da…Dada…” she whispered, grinning weakly.

The stars of the universe greedily snatched back the light from her remaining teeth. Her beautiful smile vanished. The spark disappeared from her once-glowing eyes.

What do you think? 