Story:The Tub

The tub is a short story of naval heroism by SupcommMonroee.

The Tub
ENS Belchupreznyy, better known as the Tub, drifted alone in the Mirkesh system, her engines useless from a spate of Kklxin raids. The venerable Wotan-class battleship, the most powerful of its kind, could do nothing more than sit and wait for a repair ship or more raiders.

Her stalwart commander, Captain Vikentiy Szarka, watched the rolling starscape before him as the battleship drifted through the system on impulse. At his acute command, the helm had navigated through three adjacent asteroid fields without a single scratch.

"Captain! I'm picking up at least sixteen Kklxin destroyers approaching on long-range scanners!" One of his bridge crew exclaimed, his pants now fully browned in fear.

The captain furrowed his brows and clenched his fists until they turned a pure white from intensity. "General quarters, everyone! Communications, get Lieutenant Davidovic on this bridge this instant." Vikentiy's loyal crewmen obeyed, and in short time, the stunning Imperial Naval Infantry femme fatale made her way onto the bridge and leapt into Vikentiy's arms.

"Oh, Captain! Is it really sixteen destroyers?" She cried out, aghast that her true love and her loyal squad might meet their end aboard the Tub.

Vikentiy nodded solemnly, and pulled Davidovic closer. "I know, my dear. These are desperate times, but I need you all to have faith in me as your captain."

Soon, the squadron of Kklxin destroyers arrived in full force. They surrounded the battleship, slow, lumbering, and stranded, and dispatched boarding teams that forced their way in with drills and explosives. Careful fire from the battleship's many guns could only hold them off so long.

Alerted to the enemy presence within the hull of his vessel, Captain Szarka sprinted from the bridge, some of his security staff in tow, to the main hangar. There, he predicted, the majority of the Kklxin boarders would be. When he and his team barged in, he found that his prediction was spot-on. Hundreds of Kklxin solders were assembling to storm the rest of the ship, and they had already eaten the hearts of the unfortunate hangar crew unable to flee behind Vikentiy's unstoppable pectoral muscles, the likes of which have never been seen before except in the most grand of legends. From an elevated walkway, he dove into the fray.

Vikentiy darted from boarder to boarder, crushing their skulls and breaking their necks with his godlike strength, speed, and precision. It was at that moment that Captain Szarka truly knew why his training under the fighting monks of Ucharpli was so critical; with no other style of fighting could he adapt and improve the techniques to his lightning speed and beast-like strength. Ever since he beat the Vaikan king and a hundred of his bodyguards in an unarmed super-duel, he had considered that this would be his perfect style, but he never truly knew until now.

Dozens of Kklxin were dying every second. His stalwart companions rained grenades and fire in support, so that Vikentiy could grab them from the air and stab or smash more Kklxin with them before pushing them away to die or explode. In minutes, the entire boarding force had been destroyed. Vikentiy stole one of the boardng ships and flew it over to the flagship destroyer of the raider squadron. Without breaking a sweat, the captain of legend forced his way to the bridge, where he confronted his eternal rival, General Admiral Kaa'luth.

It seemed that the Kklxin understood his situation. He bowed down, touching his forehead to the deck, and begged forgiveness for his sins. "Ever since I killed your mother, brave Eteno captain, I have felt endless waves of guilt for depriving such a man of his family!"

For a moment, Vikentiy considered granting mercy to the monster. Soon, he decided to forgive him. His orders, however, guided him to kill any Kklxin he saw, so he offered a prompt rite of forgiveness before kicking him so hard in the face he flew out of the system at warp speed. Before the entire ship lost pressure, he ran back to the stolen boarding craft and returned to the Tub.

When he returned to the bridge, he realized things were even more grave now than they had even been before.

"Capain Szarka! All the destroyers are firing and we'll all be dead in minutes without a miracle!"

Davidovic nearly fainted before throwing her svelte form into Vikentiy's arms. The captain's face darkened, and became so dark it was almost impossible to discern his facial expression of concern and deadly intent.

"We're going to try something crazy, everyone. A 180-degree triple-spin no-aim antimatter warp-speed gauss blast!"

"But Captain, sir, all the ships that have tried that turned into black holes and had their crews' souls reaped by a million demons!"

Vikentiy's face darkened, and he pulled the exotic Davidovic closer. "You'll just have to trust me on this."

"But we can't do the warp spin if the engines are still destroyed!"

Recalling this, the mighty Vikentiy Szarka sprinted to the engine room and used his immense strength and a few good wrenches to fix the engines completely. On his return, he gave the order to begin the deadly maneuver.

"Oh, Captain. If we die, know my last thoughts were of you!" Davidovic exclaimed.

"As mine were of you, my deadly, flexible exotic darling. But we'll live. We have to. Or the capital will be destroyed."

The entire bridge crew gasped at this revelation. Vikentiy had not yet told them of the secret Kklxin super-plan, but they all knew it in their hearts that failure would mean more than just their deaths and soul reapings. The warp engines charged up, and caused the battleship to start spinning, faster and faster, until it was a blur.

"FIRE!" Vikentiy yelled.

All at once, the Tub's guns fired their new secret ammunition at the Kklxin ships at speeds close to the speed of light, and combined with the effect of the ship spinning, it created a ring of death and fire.

"BWABAWBAWBAWBABAWABA PEWPEWPWEPWEPWE PRASHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh no, the engine's out of control!" Captain Szarka's voice went a few octaves deeper, "I'll take care of it, baby."

A knock at the door interrupted the Belchupreznyy's captain's fantasies.

"Sir, you're needed on the bridge. We're being hailed." A crewman informed him, his voice muffled by the bathroom door.

Vikentiy sighed, and put away his bath toys before draining the tub and wrapping a towel around his waist. He paused at the door, then turned around and broke his Kklxin destroyer model, mumbling something to the effect of "I win" as he smashed it to pieces.

He stormed down the hall and to the bridge, sitting himself down with a thick air of anger and annoyance around him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and issued an order. "On screen."

He waited a moment for the click of the main screen to switch to whoever was hailing the vessel. "What do you want!?" Szarka asked, funneling his frustration towards whoever thought that their message was more important than his heroic journey to save the universe.

When he looked up, however, he was shaken to the core. His face went a pale white. "Admiral Kometov, sir, how can I help you today?" He rapidly checked to ensure that his towel covered everything properly.

"You were due at shipyard two hours ago. The whole fleet's waiting for you! What in Marana's name are you doing?"

"Well sir, we were ah... Delayed."

"Delayed? And by what? What could possibly delay something so critical as fleet mustering for the largest counter-attack against the Kklxin since this damned war started!?"

Vikentiy cleared his throat. "Well, sir, it all started when some raiders shot out our engines..."